Antsy

I am not sure what my problem is. I am tired but I am ready to go out and run–far away. Run fast. And I am not a fast runner. I never have been and I certainly am not now. I don’t feel like doing anything but I have a million things I could be doing. I just want to be left alone but I am lonely. My life is not my own. I know that now. I will take care of my mom until she passes away and she is 80. I love her but did I really want this for my life? No, not really. Selfish, I know. She wasn’t the most nurturing of mothers but even if she was, I probably would still want my life to live. I am here pretty much alone with no help. Whine, whine, whine.

I guess I am just tired. Bottom line. I feel like I have this great story to tell inside of me and I sit down to write it and I can’t get it out. I keep thinking I can be a great writer, that I have a best seller just sitting there, waiting to be written inside of me. Don’t we all? How long will I keep thinking this? On my deathbed will I be thinking “I should have written that book…” Or should I just go for it and try and write it? It’s hard to with little privacy. Again, whine, whine, whine.

I look outside my bedroom window and it is just a gray day. It hasn’t been sunny for awhile and maybe that is the problem. I need sunlight. This weather is depressing. Am I depressed? Maybe I am. I know nobody’s life really turns out the way they think it is going to, but mine really hasn’t. I never married, I always chose the wrong guys. I had a chance to have a baby once and didn’t because I was scared of being alone after being threatened, and then I could physically not have any more. I have had to financially take care of myself but after being mentally broken down and having dealt with depression I went on disability. It has been hard. I am still on disability but work part-time. Things have gotten easier but I have watched my siblings go on vacations and I have thought that maybe, if I had married, I could have afforded something like that. I just always thought I would marry and have children. Just didn’t happen. It is frustrating at times and now I get to take care of our mother while they still travel around the world. Whine, whine, whine.

I have gotten a chance to travel. I save and save for it. This June I will be going to Maine (some of it courtesy of American Airlines due to a voucher from a reimbursement they gave me when there was a computer glitch in Charlotte, NC…coming home from Asheville, NC I nearly did not make it home and things were a mess…) and in November, 2020 I am going on a bus tour around Italy. I pay on that monthly and will have it paid off by that August before we go. Never easy. I hope to marry someday; I hope to find “my person” but I never get out, so it will be difficult, I guess. I hope to write that best seller (ha ha). I hope to keep my friends, make new ones, keep my weight off. I hope to get out of this funk that I am in.

I hope that the sun comes out soon. I hope that there is a cure for tinnitus and fibromyalgia someday soon. I hope, I hope, I hope. A girl can hope, you know. And dream. I don’t want to wake up. These are good dreams. Sometimes reality is not so good. But sometimes it isn’t as bad as it seems.

I will wake up in time to go to work this afternoon. Until then, I am going to dream…

Watch Out, Arizona…Here I Come!

I am just about all packed and ready to go. My apartment is cleaned. Normally, I would have waited until the last day to get everything done. I have been pretty organized and can now relax with only a couple of things left to do. Tomorrow morning I leave for a week in the Grand Canyon. Courtesy of a Caregiver Grant given by RoadScholar.org. A much-needed vacation.

I went to the nursing home this morning to see my dad. I won’t be seeing him until I return. I will worry about him and about my mom while I am away. I know my sisters are going to keep in touch in my mom, but they are not close by. I just have to think positive. Things will be fine.

I am nervous and excited. I won’t know anybody when I get there. I worry that nobody will like me, of course. I know that this trip will only be as much fun as I make it. I have to get past my shyness and anxiety. Everything will be fine. Positive thinking again! 🙂

I have always wanted to see the Grand Canyon. Finally! I can’t believe it. Is it really as beautiful as the pictures I have seen? We will see!

More to come…stay tuned!

Ants in My Pants Cured!

Six more days until I am off to the Grand Canyon. I am so nervous about travelling by myself and joining this tour group. Will people like me? Will I have a roommate? Will she like me? Will I snore? ha ha  Will I hold up the entire security line at the airport trying to open up my laptop (yep, I am taking it…) and taking off my shoes? I can’t go through the “regular” security thing because of my hip replacement and my neck fusion. Sigh. If it is not one thing, it is another. I just found out that the cabins we are staying in the North Rim hold 3 people, so if I don’t have a roommate, am I going to be thrown into a room with two other people who already know each other? Surely not. Yep, I have a little bit of social anxiety.

Yesterday I could not sit still. I would sit down, then get back up and try to get something done. I was restless. Well, I went to Pain Management this morning and had my injections, so I am pretty numb from my waist down. So no more ants in my pants. At least for now. I hate to miss my Al-Anon meeting tonight; maybe somebody can pick me up and drive me–if I have any feeling by then. I am already missing it next week, so I would love to go this week. I had to have my injections before my trip and before I did a lot of walking. Unfortunately, the injections don’t last as long as they used to anymore. I did schedule another radiofrequency ablation for when I return.

Six more days. Six more days. I remember when I filled out the application for the Caregiver Grant I had to wait six months! And here it is.

Sadness and Excitement…

It has been a long time since I have blogged. I hope to write more in the coming months. It has been almost a year since I have published on my site and a lot has happened.

If you have read my past blogs, a year ago I had a friend who had a heart attack and then suffered kidney failure. On top of that, she had Ankolysing Spondolytis. And I probably spelled that wrong… She has gone through dialysis at least three days a week for almost a year now. She is my best friend. Her health has been failing and she has finally decided that she has had enough and it is time. She went through her last dialysis treatment two days ago and her husband checked her out of the hospital and she is now on hospice at home to help with the pain. She might have a few days left. But she is already gone in her mind. She has done everything she is supposed to do on this Earth and she told me it is time. So, it is just a matter of time. I just feel like my world will never be the same. Because it won’t be.

My dad entered a nursing home due to his Parkinson’s Disease. My mom has never lived alone. She lives in the same apartment complex as I do, and if she had her way she would have me over every evening. Well, I would love to stay sane. So she is slowly getting used to spending time on her own. It is sad. Too many sad things.

A little bit of excitement. I applied for a Caregiver Grant through RoadScholar.org and was granted a trip to the Grand Canyon. All I have to do is pay a $100 deposit and the airfare. I am all signed up, my older brother contributed the $100 deposit (he just happened to be visiting from Virginia when I received the acceptance letter) and my younger sister is going to donate airline points to pay my airfare. I don’t get to travel much at all, so this is super exciting. I am really blessed.

What is really neat is that it normally takes 4-6 weeks to hear after you send in the application. My friend really pushed me to send it in. I had to write a personal statement and I really struggled with it. I did not think I would hear before she passed away. I heard within about 2 weeks. I was able to tell her that I am going to the Grand Canyon.

What if this should happen to you?

What if one day you were getting ready to go to work and you started having trouble breathing and pains in your chest. Next thing you know, you are in an ambulance and that is where you have a heart attack. You are 53 years old. You have to have a triple bypass, but there are complications. After the procedure is completed, your heart stops three times, but the staff is able to bring you back. Then your kidneys fail and you have to have dialysis. Because of an autoimmune condition (ankylosing spondylitis) you cannot be put on a transplant list. You are on a trach tube and cannot speak. You are being fed through a feeding tube. You had your surgery in May and the following January you are still in the hospital. You are making progress, slowly. You just took 2 steps using the parallel bars and with a lot of help. You finally are rid of the trach tubes, and after 7 months, you can speak for the first time. Now you can also eat food as they have removed the feeding tube. Your umbilical cord has been cut. You are reborn. Think about it. Meanwhile, your job is gone. You had to leave on disability, so you only get a percentage of the pay that you were getting. Your medical bills are piling up; thankfully, it looks like Medicare might be approved soon, but not soon enough and it won’t cover enough. Would you want to have to worry about this? I wouldn’t. This story is about my friend Shelly. It is a very condensed story. But please help and donate to the GoFundMe account…Thank you! http://www.gofundme.com/jfwnr4

Sunday…A New Week…

I am hoping that my whining is gone! It is Sunday morning. Getting too close to 11am and I am still in my pajamas–but that is because I have been “playing” on my computer. Not playing games, but trying to figure out what I am going to do. I can’t go on like this. Well, yes, I can if I have to, but I don’t want to. And unfortunately, there is nobody else who can change it except for me. I am not a good role model. I do not practice what I preach. I lost 109 lbs. and am supposedly a great role model in TOPS, but I am way too human. I ate my freakin’ way through last week. I am not even going to list what I ate that I should have stayed away from. I did walk away from the Ben & Jerry’s ice cream pints–even though Walgreen’s had them 2 for $4.99. It is the beginning of the month and I feel really rich evidently. I had Walgreen’s on my list of stops to make on Saturday morning–just to buy the ice cream. I eyed Ben & Jerry’s in Walmart. I wanted Ben & Jerry’s–how many times did they join me on my couch to watch The Biggest Loser? Yes, I ate ice cream while watching the show–until the trainer, Jillian, popped out of the television and beat the crap out of them and accused me of watching the show while eating ice cream. Well, she was actually yelling at a contestant, but I KNOW she knew what I was doing. Crap. That was the last time. Ben & Jerry have wanted back in, but I keep slamming the door in their face. That doesn’t mean that other contraband items didn’t somehow get into my house. Since I live alone, I know that some evil elf is sneaking these things into my house when I am not watching. Last week I loved this evil elf. But even when I was scarfing down the contraband foods (which normally are not contraband as I believe in moderation, not deprivation–but definitely contraband when there is no moderation involved!) I knew that I needed to STOP. It is so much easier to put the weight back on than it is to take it off. Last week, I couldn’t stop. Today I vow to STOP. No more of this food will enter my house. Ben & Jerry can keep on trying to visit, but as lonely as I feel, they are unwelcome visitors in my house. So…this morning I have been trying to make a game plan. If I am the one in control (God, help me!) then I have to make things happen, right? I am already tired just thinking about all of this! So…here goes:

1. I will write down every single thing that I eat…If I bite it, I will write it. I am going to live the TOPS lifestyle again. I CAN do this. (Note to self: google how to keep away evil elfs!)

2. Exercise every single day, except on days that I have procedures done. I can’t take a day off. For me, it is like allowing myself to gorge on junk food for a day and then expect myself to “get back on track”. It is too hard. Unfortunately, my body can’t exercise the way it could two years ago. But if I can get on the treadmill for 30 minutes, even at a slow rate, I will be happy. I have to give up the “I’m going to walk a 5K!” thought for now. My thought will be “I’m going to walk!” Obviously I won’t be able to exercise on days that I have injections, my nerves burned, bones fused, joints replaced, etc. The next day, yes. Just not that day.

3. Somehow find a way to manage my pain. I see my primary care doctor Aug. 19th. My rheumatologist evidently is not my rheumatologist. They are so busy and so short-staffed that they are only handling cases of inflammatory diseases. I told them when they called me the day before my appointment (that I had made 2 months before and had been counting down the days to!) that they needed to change the Scott & White webpage description of the Rheumatology department. If my primary care doctor refers me back to them (he originally referred me to them back in 2005) I am afraid that my head will explode. Luckily I love my primary care doctor, so hopefully he can put my head back together. Last week was very frustrating and disappointing. I did get in to see Pain Management, but of course got the physician’s assistant. Didn’t see the doctor as he is so busy. I heard him in the hall and I almost went out and grabbed him! But you don’t want to piss off the doctor who sticks long, icky needles into your body and joints! Not recommended! I am scheduled for PT and was told to use topical creams. Oh yeah, gee, I know they will work. Sure. I do like BioFreeze, but my cats follow me around after I put it on–I don’t like being sniffed relentlessly. Sigh.

4. I joined some Meetup.com groups and I also signed up for Game Night. I was supposed to go in July, but managed to come up with excuses not to go. I have to get out and meet people. Loneliness sucks and the mental pain just makes the physical pain so much worse. Plus, it attracts that evil elf who sneaks all that food into my house! LOL  It is all a cycle that I have to break.

5. Stick to my “spending plan”. I hate the word “budget”. It just makes me want to go out and shop.

6. Clean my second bedroom. Is it a bedroom? Or just a huge closet that was supposed to be a bedroom? I open the door and close it–it has gotten so overwhelming. I think I did this on purpose–it used to be used as a bedroom when I had a girlfriend stay a lot…but she turned out not to be such a good girlfriend…so in the pain of that relationship abruptly ending (and I had a lot of fun–for the first time since I had moved to Texas!) the room just reminded me of her spending the weekend. The friendship was not a true friendship and that hurt. Ben & Jerry almost moved into the room, but I told them there wasn’t even room for a pint of ice cream in there! It is a mess, disaster, whatever. It needs to go back to a bedroom, if I can stop feeling overwhelmed!

7. Travel. ha ha ha ha. I wish. Won’t happen as much as I would love to. Would love to do a TOPS retreat. Won’t happen. This subject just hurts. I guess I have to work on that and get over it. I will never be able to afford to do what my siblings can afford to do.

8. I have somebody who I have to forgive. I just feel a lot of anger and TONS of hurt towards them. They act like nothing has ever happened that was wrong. They know that something did happen that was very wrong, was not our agreement, and I now have to pay for it. Literally, I have to pay for it. They are normally very generous but this has caused such a hardship for me. They know it. They know they are wrong. But they are unable to change it because their husband is unwilling to fix the mistake. I will never understand this one as I felt like a part of the family. It is too complicated to get into details and I shouldn’t anyway. I am just trying to forgive. I see her on a regular basis unfortunately. It just keeps picking at the scab.

9. I might have to consider switching TOPS groups. For a few reasons. When I think about it, I want to run and see if I can find Ben & Jerry hanging out somewhere…

10. Look for a warm water pool. Aaaaahhhhhh

11. Look into student massage programs so I can get inexpensive massages. Aaaaahhhhh

12. Look at my spending plan to see if I can even consider looking into #10 or #11…

13. Pray. Meditate. Do my pain meditation tape (well, it is on the iPod)

Great, I am going to end on lucky #13. Regardless, IT IS ALL UP TO ME.

I hurt like hell, I am so incredibly broke, so why am I not in a bad mood?

I know that I am supposed to exercise because I hurt…by the way–who the HELL thought that crazy thing up??!!! When I hurt, I want to curl up on the couch and hurt! Which, by the way, is exactly where I am right now as I type. I am not a good example! I got tired of the television, so that got turned off, so my house is nice and quiet, besides the constant sound of my air conditioning…which also makes the cha-ching sound of the cash register, if you know what I mean? But being just past menopause, I am still in the at-risk stage of being HOT!!! And nobody wants me that way…especially me! So the a/c continues on…and on.  Have I mentioned that I hurt? Good lord…my arms hurt so bad that they just don’t want to move at all. I actually have my rheumatologist appointment this Friday–I have called about every 2-3 days to see if there have been any cancellations, and there have been none. So Friday, finally, is my appointment. I am not sure why I am going. I just have hurt so badly. When I go to pain management, they are so busy, it is impossible to get the doctor to sit down and talk to me. He is there to do my injections, my nerve burnings, etc. Anything extra, I have to make another appointment and then I most likely will have to speak to a physician’s assistant. I know I will get as far there as I will get on Friday with my rheumatologist….there is nothing they can do. If they tell me to exercise, I think my head will explode! It is depressing to exercise now. I got on the treadmill 2 weeks ago, and I could not walk even close to as fast as I used to be able to 2 years ago. My hips and back have declined that much. I know I should anyway and just walk as fast and as much as I can. I will today. Later.

I am working on my budget for August. It is July 28th and I have $2.57 in my checking account. At least I am not overdrawn, right? I have a couple of things to return to Walmart, and that will give me about $10, so that will put some more gas in my car. I have about half a tank. I am so tired of worrying about money. I get my Social Security Disability and a government annuity (I retired from the federal government when I went on disability). I work 12 hours per week for a little money. I just was awarded $20 per month in food stamps (or SNAP). Yesterday I snuck around Dollar General (they have great prices on their store brands and they accept SNAP) picking up bread, peanut butter, canned peaches and canned pears (big cans), spaghetti sauce, and after much debate, cookies. No judgement, people, please…yes, I bought cookies on food stamps. I pay taxes on my part-time job and I have paid into the system for years. And after the story I tell you, hopefully you will understand why it was a good thing I had the cookies! As I said, I snuck around the store. I am embarrassed about having to use SNAP and I have read people’s comments online, about cashier’s comments of what they have seen people buy while using SNAP benefits (ice cream, cookies, etc.) so I feel extremely self conscious and judged. I am going to have to get over it… Anyway, I slink up to the cashier, slide my items onto the register belt, she rings everything through and I use my card. No problem. Phew. Except she puts everything into 2 bags. My bread and cookies into one, and everything else into the other: 2 big cans of fruit, spaghetti sauce, and peanut butter. By the way, everything cost about $9.50. My bag was heavy, but I didn’t want to say anything since I had managed to slink through. I drove home, pulled into my garage, picked up my bag and the bottom of the bag ripped open and the spaghetti sauce fell out, and shattered into about a million pieces of glass all over the garage floor, my foot and my leather sandals (my TEVAs!!) So I had spaghetti sauce all over my leg, foot, sandals, garage floor. Remember that I hurt? Now, why couldn’t the can of fruit have fallen out? Nothing else in the bag fell out. Just the glass jar!!! After hobbling through my house (trying not to get sauce onto my carpet) I had to use half of my last roll of paper towels cleaning up everything. I was not a happy camper. Really, the cashier should have had a little more common sense to begin with, right??? I should have said something. I called the store and spoke with the manager. He said to come back to the store and he would fix me up with another jar of sauce and would throw in a roll of paper towels! I should have tried for some ice cream also! He was very nice, but I was, and still am, somewhat humiliated for some reason. I haven’t gone yet; I don’t want to use the gas just to drive there. I’ll probably stop by there tomorrow on my home. So that is why I was glad I had those cookies!!! Anyway, it is frustrating to always have to worry about money. So I have to do August’s budget.  I’m stalling! ha ha

I am tired. I am taking care of my parents, trying to take care of myself, and take care of my client 12 hours per week. No wonder I just want to stay plopped on the couch. I want my sisters and my brother to come and help. I know that will not happen. I don’t understand why, in this day and age, there is not a medication that can help? Who do I need to slap upside the head? I am just tired of being in pain all the time! All the time. I went on disability for major depression and was in and out of the hospital and had several suicide attempts. I won’t try that again. It is wired in my head to wish I was dead (that is normal for me, it seems) but I would never try to kill myself again. I have seen what it did to my family and I don’t want to do that again. But sometimes, this pain…all the time…I am 51 years old (almost 52)…how many more years do I have to live like this? It is strange–I never thought I would live past 40–now I am 51 and I should be thankful for these years, and I am–but to a point. If that makes sense. I am glad to be alive. Don’t get me wrong, I am. Sometimes I think I am just alone too much!

I am still in a good mood! Just confused on if there is a “plan” for me? Why am I here? That sort of thing…now I want cookies and I don’t have any left!!!!! bummer.

I mean, seriously??

I was going to be in bed 45 minutes ago. I have not slept much the past 2 nights. I have just been in pain. I went to pain management today and there is just nothing that can be done for fibromyalgia. Really? In this day and time–there is nothing? Maybe the meds that I am on now are working somewhat, but I am not willing to go off of them for even a very short time in order to find out! So….it seems it is all up to me. How can I control it? How do I deal with the pain, which is constant? Chronic pain is horrible. It just chips away at you, slowly. There are no support groups close by. The closest is in South Austin. Seriously??? I just can’t believe it. I am going to sign up for Tai Chi classes, I think. I can’t really afford it, but if it helps even just a little bit, then it will be worth it.