I am hoping that my whining is gone! It is Sunday morning. Getting too close to 11am and I am still in my pajamas–but that is because I have been “playing” on my computer. Not playing games, but trying to figure out what I am going to do. I can’t go on like this. Well, yes, I can if I have to, but I don’t want to. And unfortunately, there is nobody else who can change it except for me. I am not a good role model. I do not practice what I preach. I lost 109 lbs. and am supposedly a great role model in TOPS, but I am way too human. I ate my freakin’ way through last week. I am not even going to list what I ate that I should have stayed away from. I did walk away from the Ben & Jerry’s ice cream pints–even though Walgreen’s had them 2 for $4.99. It is the beginning of the month and I feel really rich evidently. I had Walgreen’s on my list of stops to make on Saturday morning–just to buy the ice cream. I eyed Ben & Jerry’s in Walmart. I wanted Ben & Jerry’s–how many times did they join me on my couch to watch The Biggest Loser? Yes, I ate ice cream while watching the show–until the trainer, Jillian, popped out of the television and beat the crap out of them and accused me of watching the show while eating ice cream. Well, she was actually yelling at a contestant, but I KNOW she knew what I was doing. Crap. That was the last time. Ben & Jerry have wanted back in, but I keep slamming the door in their face. That doesn’t mean that other contraband items didn’t somehow get into my house. Since I live alone, I know that some evil elf is sneaking these things into my house when I am not watching. Last week I loved this evil elf. But even when I was scarfing down the contraband foods (which normally are not contraband as I believe in moderation, not deprivation–but definitely contraband when there is no moderation involved!) I knew that I needed to STOP. It is so much easier to put the weight back on than it is to take it off. Last week, I couldn’t stop. Today I vow to STOP. No more of this food will enter my house. Ben & Jerry can keep on trying to visit, but as lonely as I feel, they are unwelcome visitors in my house. So…this morning I have been trying to make a game plan. If I am the one in control (God, help me!) then I have to make things happen, right? I am already tired just thinking about all of this! So…here goes:
1. I will write down every single thing that I eat…If I bite it, I will write it. I am going to live the TOPS lifestyle again. I CAN do this. (Note to self: google how to keep away evil elfs!)
2. Exercise every single day, except on days that I have procedures done. I can’t take a day off. For me, it is like allowing myself to gorge on junk food for a day and then expect myself to “get back on track”. It is too hard. Unfortunately, my body can’t exercise the way it could two years ago. But if I can get on the treadmill for 30 minutes, even at a slow rate, I will be happy. I have to give up the “I’m going to walk a 5K!” thought for now. My thought will be “I’m going to walk!” Obviously I won’t be able to exercise on days that I have injections, my nerves burned, bones fused, joints replaced, etc. The next day, yes. Just not that day.
3. Somehow find a way to manage my pain. I see my primary care doctor Aug. 19th. My rheumatologist evidently is not my rheumatologist. They are so busy and so short-staffed that they are only handling cases of inflammatory diseases. I told them when they called me the day before my appointment (that I had made 2 months before and had been counting down the days to!) that they needed to change the Scott & White webpage description of the Rheumatology department. If my primary care doctor refers me back to them (he originally referred me to them back in 2005) I am afraid that my head will explode. Luckily I love my primary care doctor, so hopefully he can put my head back together. Last week was very frustrating and disappointing. I did get in to see Pain Management, but of course got the physician’s assistant. Didn’t see the doctor as he is so busy. I heard him in the hall and I almost went out and grabbed him! But you don’t want to piss off the doctor who sticks long, icky needles into your body and joints! Not recommended! I am scheduled for PT and was told to use topical creams. Oh yeah, gee, I know they will work. Sure. I do like BioFreeze, but my cats follow me around after I put it on–I don’t like being sniffed relentlessly. Sigh.
4. I joined some Meetup.com groups and I also signed up for Game Night. I was supposed to go in July, but managed to come up with excuses not to go. I have to get out and meet people. Loneliness sucks and the mental pain just makes the physical pain so much worse. Plus, it attracts that evil elf who sneaks all that food into my house! LOL It is all a cycle that I have to break.
5. Stick to my “spending plan”. I hate the word “budget”. It just makes me want to go out and shop.
6. Clean my second bedroom. Is it a bedroom? Or just a huge closet that was supposed to be a bedroom? I open the door and close it–it has gotten so overwhelming. I think I did this on purpose–it used to be used as a bedroom when I had a girlfriend stay a lot…but she turned out not to be such a good girlfriend…so in the pain of that relationship abruptly ending (and I had a lot of fun–for the first time since I had moved to Texas!) the room just reminded me of her spending the weekend. The friendship was not a true friendship and that hurt. Ben & Jerry almost moved into the room, but I told them there wasn’t even room for a pint of ice cream in there! It is a mess, disaster, whatever. It needs to go back to a bedroom, if I can stop feeling overwhelmed!
7. Travel. ha ha ha ha. I wish. Won’t happen as much as I would love to. Would love to do a TOPS retreat. Won’t happen. This subject just hurts. I guess I have to work on that and get over it. I will never be able to afford to do what my siblings can afford to do.
8. I have somebody who I have to forgive. I just feel a lot of anger and TONS of hurt towards them. They act like nothing has ever happened that was wrong. They know that something did happen that was very wrong, was not our agreement, and I now have to pay for it. Literally, I have to pay for it. They are normally very generous but this has caused such a hardship for me. They know it. They know they are wrong. But they are unable to change it because their husband is unwilling to fix the mistake. I will never understand this one as I felt like a part of the family. It is too complicated to get into details and I shouldn’t anyway. I am just trying to forgive. I see her on a regular basis unfortunately. It just keeps picking at the scab.
9. I might have to consider switching TOPS groups. For a few reasons. When I think about it, I want to run and see if I can find Ben & Jerry hanging out somewhere…
10. Look for a warm water pool. Aaaaahhhhhh
11. Look into student massage programs so I can get inexpensive massages. Aaaaahhhhh
12. Look at my spending plan to see if I can even consider looking into #10 or #11…
13. Pray. Meditate. Do my pain meditation tape (well, it is on the iPod)
Great, I am going to end on lucky #13. Regardless, IT IS ALL UP TO ME.