Back on Track

I lost 109 lbs. and reached my goal back in 2010. In fact, it was July 2, 2010, so this month 10 years ago. I can’t believe it was 10 years ago. Wow. I belong to TOPS (Take Off Pounds Sensibly) and I became the 2010 TOPS Texas State Queen and I was able to travel around the state of Texas and speak to groups, some over 200 people, and tell my story. It really brought me out of my comfort zone, let me tell you. I loved it though and met tons of people who I am still friends with today. I normally see them once a year at the state convention, which because of everything happening in this crazy world, we were not able to hold it. It was supposed to be in Waco, which we love because there is so much to do there now. And it is not too far away as well.

Anyway, I have had several surgeries during the past 10 years. I had my right jaw joint replaced in 2012. My right hip replaced in 2014. My neck fused in 2014. My right hip re-replaced in 2017 (it did not “take” the first time…) My left hip was just replaced in January. After each surgery I have struggled with my weight. Not 100 pounds. But for awhile there was 30 of it, but I finally got it off and reached my goal again. After this past surgery in January I have been struggling with 10 pounds. I am on “medical leave” with TOPS, which means that I haven’t lost my KOPS (Keep Off Pounds Sensibly) status but I need to get back to goal within a certain time frame. With everything going on and without having meetings right now my time frame ends next April. So I am trying to get 10 pounds off.

I have changed in 10 years. I can’t lose weight as easily as I did ten years ago. It is frustrating. I took 109 lbs. off by eating less and moving more. That was it. I did not deprive myself. I believed in moderation, not deprivation. So I lost it slowly. It just doesn’t work as easily anymore and I can’t exercise as easily as I used to. My arthritis is worse and my back is not in great shape. I go to pain management and get injections, my sacroiliac joints are shot, and these are things that I just can’t do a whole lot about. There are no surgeries that are going to help. So it is frustrating. My spine is compressing, so I have lost over one inch in height in one year. Sigh.

So talking to my doctor I have been reading The Obesity Code by Dr. Jason Fung. I have begun fasting, just on certain mornings, not all the time. This goes against everything I have learned in TOPS. “Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.” It has been hard. But I am back to writing down everything I eat. Drinking black coffee except using Monk Fruit sweetener, instead of my beloved Sweet and Low. I am a “pink packet” person. Not anymore. I eat too many carbs. So that is ending. I am now walking 5 mornings each week and I am up to 35 minutes each time. I started at 20 minutes. Over the past 4 weeks I have increased up to 35. I am down one pound as of this morning, but that can change in one day. Very frustrating. But this is all under my doctor’s watchful eye. I see him again next month and we will see how it goes. I am still reading the book and it is very interesting. My younger sister has problems with her blood sugar levels and she is reading The Diabetes Code, by the same author.

I will keep posting here. It helps. I don’t know if anybody reads but that’s okay.

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What’s Life Got to do With it?

Okay, so things seem a little better since my last post. Maybe it is better just by writing it down. I have been frustrated. And anybody that has lived with my mom, and that narrows down the population to about 5 of us kids, they would completely understand why I am frustrated and how I got this way. But today is better than yesterday and yesterday was better than the day before. So maybe it was just a bad week. We just hadn’t had one of those in awhile. I will blame the pandemic.

I try not to dwell on the pandemic. The news does such a good job on that, that I don’t feel that I need to. But obviously it is taking a toll. I was sick in April. I was never officially diagnosed. I wasn’t in the “at-risk” category so I could not get a test. They didn’t have enough at the time. I was too sick to get out anyway, but not sick enough to go to the hospital, thank goodness. So I am not part of the statistics but had all of the symptoms. I was sick for 5 weeks. My one lasting effect: I had headaches and it seems to have made the ringing in my ears (tinnitus) much, much, much worse. Before I could distract myself enough to ignore the noise but now I cannot and it affects my hearing. It seems I will need to get hearing aids as a result. I will see a specialist but could not get in until the end of September.

I was supposed to go on a tour of England and Scotland this past April but it got cancelled, obviously. I rescheduled for the end of September. It just got cancelled again. So I have rescheduled for the end of March, 2021. Plus, I changed airlines. Before they had me going on Delta, from Austin to Detroit and then Detroit to London. So I asked them to look into British Airways as they fly out of the Austin airport to London with nonstop flights now. They did and came back with flights that were only about $50 price increase. I took it. I would much rather do that than be running like a mad woman through the Detroit airport trying to make a crazy connection through customs. I am not a world traveler by any means and would have been a crazed person by the time I would have been seated on the airplane. This is much better. Hopefully by next March I will be able to go.

My body is getting to the point where my traveling days are limited. I want to go to England. So I hope this tour doesn’t get cancelled again. I was going to Italy in November but I cancelled that and it seems if I hadn’t, it would have been anyway. I would love to see Italy eventually. I may be happy after that with international traveling. I would have been to France, England, Scotland and Italy. That may do it. I could just stick to the US and more closer trips. There are a lot of places that I haven’t seen here.

Just one day at a time meanwhile. I am taking free courses on Coursera online. I signed up for two continuing education classes with the Austin Community College in the fall, both online. I just want to stay busy now that I am no longer working part-time. I can’t go to the gym, but am walking 5 mornings per week now. I have 10 pounds I need to lose since my left hip replacement in January. And I am reading books from the top 100 books of all time (the Great American Read from PBS.) That has been fun. I haven’t written as much so I need to get back at that. I have missed my writing group.

I am taking my mom to the dentist this morning. I guess it could be worse…it could be me in the patient’s chair…

I am trying to stay more optimistic!!

Speechless

Today is my older sister’s 39th wedding anniversary. I can’t believe that it has been that long. She was lucky and married her high school sweetheart. Yep, one of those. Me? I have never found “The One.” I am the quintessential adult child of an alcoholic. I’ve gotten better through Alanon, therapy and the use of forgiveness. It’s taken me a long time but I may have missed the boat. I’m almost 59 years old. Maybe I will eventually find “The One.” And they will wonder “why didn’t she ever get married?” Because I suck at relationships, that is why. And I haven’t given myself the chance to find out if I have gotten better. And I always pick really bad people for me.

I am having a problem today. Actually it has been the past few days and it is just probably a phase and it will pass. I hope it does anyway. If it doesn’t I don’t know what will happen. I live with my mom. Overall, we get along pretty well. I have learned to pick my battles with her. Lately, I am just losing my patience with her. And the woman is 81 years old. You have to know that she was not nice when we were growing up. But she doesn’t remember any of it. Which is where the forgiveness had to come in. I had a hard time remaining really angry with somebody who didn’t even remember what they did. But she is really hard to live with. Not saying that I am easy. I have lived alone for a long time. I moved in with her when my dad passed away in 2017. Financially, it was really good because it gave me extra money so I was able to travel and it just gives me extra money each month now. That’s really nice. But she is just maddening sometimes. And this is one of those times. It may be that I am just tired. I am getting older myself and my body is disintegrating, courtesy of arthritis. My right hip has been replaced twice, my left hip was just replaced in January, my right jaw joint was replaced, my neck fused and I go to pain management for spinal injections. My mom no longer drives so now I need to drive her to all of her doctor appointments, to the library. I am her power of attorney. I take care of all of the finances. All of the insurance stuff. Everything.

I am embarrassed to admit that I have been fantasizing about dropping her off at one of my sister’s houses. They are on the East Coast though. We live in Texas, so it is not an easy task. It’s a nice fantasy and then I stay on the East Coast. I would not mind going back. Would I do this? No. Unless that is what she wanted to do. I don’t know if I would put up much of an argument. I don’t think I would right now.

I am a Caregiver. I have been for a long time. I took care of both of my parents when my dad was still alive. I think I would love it if one of my siblings said, “why doesn’t mom come here now?” I think I would gladly hand over the reins.

Right now I would. She is a hard woman to live with. Most of my stuff is in storage. I am worried that I have fallen into a depression. I am sure that this pandemic has not helped even though I am trying to keep myself busy.

I love my mom. Even after everything. I hate to say that I really, really loved my dad. He was wonderful. I miss him everyday.

I think I need a vacation! Maybe that is what is wrong…