If I Hadn’t Already Lost My Mind, It Might Feel As Old As My Body…

I fell asleep on the couch and woke up at 2am. Watched a couple of episodes of Friends and then tried to go to bed. Just laid there and could not go back to sleep. I have been trying to write for about two weeks now and everytime I start, I can’t. There has been a lot going on and I just don’t like to have to think about things.

I did what I have always considered to be the unimaginable. I could never be this kind of person. Evidently I can be. I had two cats, both 6 years old. Both of them I got from my vet when they were just kittens. Both of them were throw-away kittens. The vet named one Monster (which should have told me something…) and the vet tech named the other one Cami Jane, which is short for Calamity Jane. She kept throwing herself out of the incubator. I changed Monster’s name to Frankie when I got him. I just could not imagine calling this sweet little kitten Monster. Hmmmm. Let’s just say that I tried to get him on the show “My Cat From Hell” that airs on Animal Planet. I never knew such cats existed. I have had neurotic cats, but Frankie was truly a cat that deserved to be named Monster. After he clawed up my wall I finally put him on behavioral medication (I call it Kitty Prozac). That helped a lot, but I had to give it to him twice a day, otherwise it was just not fun around my house. Cami Jane, on the other hand, is a Bengal, and she is sweet and mild mannered. She is helping me write this right now. She is happy that I can’t get back to sleep! Frankie would beat the living crap out of her. The medication really helped, but he knew when it was coming and it was not fun trying to catch him in order to give it to him. Meanwhile, Cami Jane was constantly having to look for him to make sure he wasn’t about to jump her. I always felt like I was yelling at him…like he knew why or even really cared! But regardless of all of this, I still loved him. He had a small sweet side to him. He liked to nurse on my neck. I never stopped him because it was his rare moment of sweetness. Well, for several reasons I finally had to give him back to the vet. Healthwise, I couldn’t keep chasing after him and trying to get him to take the pills (both mentally and physically!) He just became too much and I knew the vet wouldn’t euthanize him. Financially, I can’t afford either of my cats since I have had to cut down on my hours. I am hoping that I will be able to keep Cami Jane and not have to give her up as well. I feel so guilty about Frankie and I have felt so bad. Overall, I think it was best and Cami Jane has been loving being the queen of the house. I miss Frankie, to a point. He was frustrating, but he was mine. It has been nice around the house, but I still miss him. I know he is being taken good care of. Did I make the right decision? Yes. Am I happy with the decision? No. I never thought I could ever give up one of my cats. But I have. Not a good feeling.
Financially, I started thinking I would get a roommate. I have lived alone for years. I might be able to adjust to a guy moving in who has a million dollars, but otherwise, I think a roommate should not be option. So I am going to pick up more hours at work. My body doesn’t want to. But there really isn’t much more than I can do. I will just try to pay off my car and then maybe I can cut back again. I hope.
Physically? Ugh. Overall, I think I am now used to just being in pain every second of my life. I think there are times where I am not even realizing that I am still in pain. All. the. time. I turned 52 years old this past Saturday. All day I kept wondering “how many more years am I going to have to deal with this? Feel like this?” And then, of course, the question “WHY??!!” which is almost a constant mantra going on in my head. Will there ever be a time when I will just accept it? Is it a bad thing to not feel like I should have to accept it? Why, in this day and age, isn’t there something to help so many people who deal with this? I wish I knew why my joints are deteriorating and my vertebrae is (are?) collapsing. My right arm has been hurting for months. I think I posted before about my rheumatologist and my appointment that I made two months in advance and it turns out that they don’t deal with osteoarthritis and fibromyalgia. So the week of the appointment, it was cancelled. That was all because of my arm. And that appointment was supposed to be in July. So I made that appointment in May and that was about a month after it started hurting. I finally saw my primary care doctor–who is fantastic–and he sent me to a neurologist for nerve testing. I had no idea if the pain was due to my fibro, osteoarthritis, or something new like carpal tunnel or something. The neurologist determined that I have chronic nerve damage in my neck (due to my collapsing vertebrae). So that would be Pain Management. I also have tendonitis in my elbow. Pain Management can’t give me an epidural in my neck until November 1st, since I just had injections in my hip and sacroiliac joints. They can only give me so much steroids, so every 3 months I am there in their office for my injections. My HUGE problem is: when I have this epidural, which is the worst injection EVER, I won’t be able to get my hip injection for another 3 months. So, it will have been 6 months since the last one. I was told Medicare won’t cover a hip replacement if injections are helping. Well, if I can’t get the injections, doesn’t that mean they aren’t working? Granted, I don’t want a hip replacement, though I know that will happen eventually. Though, maybe I should push for one. I had my right jaw joint replaced due to arthritis over a year ago, and after everything settled into place (I had eye nerve damage from the surgery, so my right eye wouldn’t blink at the same rate as my left–it was freaky!) it has been the best thing ever. I still hear my jaw joint squeak on occasion (one time it took me about 5 minutes to figure out “where is that sound coming from?” I thought it was something in my house…turned out it was literally in my head!) But I can now eat regular food and sing to music in my car–stuff I couldn’t do before the surgery. Medicare refused to pay for that surgery, by the way. I was lucky that Scott and White finally stepped in and covered the entire $45,000 procedure. I have never seen a bill for anything related to it. I was told that my left jaw joint was just about as bad as my right, but so far (knock on wood) it hasn’t bothered me, just like the rest of my body–everything that hurts from osteoarthritis is all on my right side. What the hell is that all about? I guess I can’t say everything, since both my hands hurt and sometimes my left hip will hurt, but almost always just on right side. Anyway, I got away from what I was saying. How long does this go on for? If I live to be 100, I have another 48 years. Now, THAT makes my body hurt! Unfortunately there is no resolution and there is no answer to the question “Why??!!”

My weight? Let’s just say I am working on it. Most of the time. Right now I could use some ice cream. Luckily there is none in my house. of course…just when I need it! ha ha 

It is 4:40am. I suppose I will try again to go to sleep. I don’t have to go to work until 12:30, so I have time. Good night…or good morning…




I Scream, You Scream, We All Scream (I wish for ice cream!)

ImageI love this picture “The Scream”. I think I have decided that the artist, Edvard Munch–I love his last name–had to have had arthritis, fibromyalgia or some sort of chronic pain! After reading a little more about him, he suffered from insanity–like Van Gogh, who painted “Starry Night”–my absolute favorite painting ever. So my two favorite paintings were painted by artists who had mental illness. Another form of chronic pain, just not physical!

I want to buy a gun. I want to shoot my scale. I have wonderful images in my head of my scale being blown into a million pieces. I think it is broken and has forgotten how to go down. This just can’t have anything to do with me–it is definitely the scale. By the way–I don’t really want to buy a gun. I would have too many reasons to use it. The news story would end “…before turning the gun on herself.” Okay, not really. I shouldn’t joke about that–my family had an uncle and cousin who were shot and killed during a church service in Wisconsin. Not funny…

I finally called DirecTV. Surprise! I got nothing! Nada. Zilch. I still love DirecTV but will have to rethink it when my contract is up in April. Then I will have some leverage. Right now I have nothing. No leverage, no good stuff from DirecTV. sigh…

I saw my doctor today. My liver function tests keep coming down, so they will retest in 3 weeks. I walked out with a velcro band around my arm to help with the pain around the elbow. Tennis elbow, along with the nerve pain. Too bad I didn’t actually play tennis in order to get it! This band has made my cats really check me out tonight. It is funny what they will focus on. One of my cats has been enthralled with the corner in my bathroom. He will sit in there for hours and stare at the corner. I have checked and checked–there is nothing there. I was worried that maybe ants were getting in (when it is so hot outside, sometimes even ants want to get inside!) So I am just not sure what he is staring at. But it keeps him out of trouble. Anyway, back to the doctor–I have to see my pain management doctor and discuss options. The pain in my arm is caused because my neck vertebra is starting to collapse enough to start squeezing the nerve. I will continue physical therapy as long as Medicare is nice enough to pay for it. I think it has actually helped–which is probably the first time I can ever say that. Not that PT isn’t a good thing–it has just never helped me before in the past. My physical therapist is patient and she listens to me whine. Then she tortures me! 🙂

My client has moved into an independent living facility. They are going to move again up to the 3rd floor from the 1st floor. Things are just all discombobulated (love that word!) There is so much stress in that household right now. Luckily I have enough things of my own stressing me out that I can’t take on any of theirs!

I am sure I am forgetting something…oh, that’s right:

Image It’s hump day! That commercial cracks me up!