Does Life Ever Go As Planned?

Seriously, does it? I will be 52 next month–my mind is screaming at me that I am really only supposed to be 30, but my body is wanting my mind to slow down as it is going at an 80 year old pace! I am not trying to be so philosophical here and I am not meaning to whine, if that is what it ends up sounding like I am doing. It has just been a bad week–in the sense that I am worn out, I am hurting–both physically and mentally, and what it really comes down to is that I don’t have one of those close girlfriends who I can call and we could just whine together (maybe while even drinking wine!) and most importantly–I wouldn’t feel like I was just dragging them down all the time. I am at a point that anytime I come close to having a good friend, I think they get tired of my problems (and there are plenty). There was a woman who I talked to on a very regular basis until over the past few months I have noticed that I am always calling her. She never calls me anymore. So I have stopped calling her. I see her every Friday morning at my TOPS meeting, but I know that I cannot go to her if I need someone to talk to, or cry to, or just bitch to. I used to be able to. Or I thought I was able to. Then I guess I did it too much. I said something at our meeting yesterday and she did the “exchanging of the looks” with another lady–I saw them. Ouch. I walked out of the building just feeling blank. I am depressed. I want to go back to Maryland. I am tired of always being alone. My parents are here, but I certainly don’t burden them with all of my shit. I am lonely. There….I said it. I AM LONELY. I want real friends. I want my sisters. I am tired of having to help my parents with everything–I am not saying that I mind helping them, because I don’t. I am just tired. And lonely. And whiny. What the hell happened to my life?? I don’t get it. I would never have thought I would be without close friends. I have friends back in Maryland, but I don’t talk to them as much as I used to. And we can’t call and say, “hey–you want to go to the mall?” or to the movies? Or wherever? I haven’t had a good friend like that since Maryland and I moved to Texas in 1997. Sixteen years. Holy shit. I thought when I came to Texas that I would make a new circle of friends. Not people that exchange looks at each other when I say something or just never call me anymore. I used to be social–within my group of friends. I have always been shy until I get to know people and then WATCH OUT! ha ha But I am a good, loyal friend. I don’t screw people over. I never thought my life would be how it is. Of course, growing up I never thought I would live to the age of 40. That is the mentality of someone who was suicidal. Depression is part of my genetics. I seemed to be the only child out of five to have been lucky enough to have inherited the gene. Woo hoo! So I lived past 40. But the question really is: have I really lived past 40? What have I done? Have I really lived? I used to write, in fact I have actually had some short stories and poems published. I haven’t written, except here, for a long time. I was going through some drawers and found an old notebook that had some poems that I had written a few years ago. It was strange reading them.

There is a lot more on my mind, but I have to get some DVDs back to the library. They are due today. I watched the first season of Downton Abbey. Oh my gosh–it was so good. This and those romance novels help me forget that I am lonely! Now I have to wait for the 2nd season to come back in…


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