I hurt like hell, I am so incredibly broke, so why am I not in a bad mood?

I know that I am supposed to exercise because I hurt…by the way–who the HELL thought that crazy thing up??!!! When I hurt, I want to curl up on the couch and hurt! Which, by the way, is exactly where I am right now as I type. I am not a good example! I got tired of the television, so that got turned off, so my house is nice and quiet, besides the constant sound of my air conditioning…which also makes the cha-ching sound of the cash register, if you know what I mean? But being just past menopause, I am still in the at-risk stage of being HOT!!! And nobody wants me that way…especially me! So the a/c continues on…and on.  Have I mentioned that I hurt? Good lord…my arms hurt so bad that they just don’t want to move at all. I actually have my rheumatologist appointment this Friday–I have called about every 2-3 days to see if there have been any cancellations, and there have been none. So Friday, finally, is my appointment. I am not sure why I am going. I just have hurt so badly. When I go to pain management, they are so busy, it is impossible to get the doctor to sit down and talk to me. He is there to do my injections, my nerve burnings, etc. Anything extra, I have to make another appointment and then I most likely will have to speak to a physician’s assistant. I know I will get as far there as I will get on Friday with my rheumatologist….there is nothing they can do. If they tell me to exercise, I think my head will explode! It is depressing to exercise now. I got on the treadmill 2 weeks ago, and I could not walk even close to as fast as I used to be able to 2 years ago. My hips and back have declined that much. I know I should anyway and just walk as fast and as much as I can. I will today. Later.

I am working on my budget for August. It is July 28th and I have $2.57 in my checking account. At least I am not overdrawn, right? I have a couple of things to return to Walmart, and that will give me about $10, so that will put some more gas in my car. I have about half a tank. I am so tired of worrying about money. I get my Social Security Disability and a government annuity (I retired from the federal government when I went on disability). I work 12 hours per week for a little money. I just was awarded $20 per month in food stamps (or SNAP). Yesterday I snuck around Dollar General (they have great prices on their store brands and they accept SNAP) picking up bread, peanut butter, canned peaches and canned pears (big cans), spaghetti sauce, and after much debate, cookies. No judgement, people, please…yes, I bought cookies on food stamps. I pay taxes on my part-time job and I have paid into the system for years. And after the story I tell you, hopefully you will understand why it was a good thing I had the cookies! As I said, I snuck around the store. I am embarrassed about having to use SNAP and I have read people’s comments online, about cashier’s comments of what they have seen people buy while using SNAP benefits (ice cream, cookies, etc.) so I feel extremely self conscious and judged. I am going to have to get over it… Anyway, I slink up to the cashier, slide my items onto the register belt, she rings everything through and I use my card. No problem. Phew. Except she puts everything into 2 bags. My bread and cookies into one, and everything else into the other: 2 big cans of fruit, spaghetti sauce, and peanut butter. By the way, everything cost about $9.50. My bag was heavy, but I didn’t want to say anything since I had managed to slink through. I drove home, pulled into my garage, picked up my bag and the bottom of the bag ripped open and the spaghetti sauce fell out, and shattered into about a million pieces of glass all over the garage floor, my foot and my leather sandals (my TEVAs!!) So I had spaghetti sauce all over my leg, foot, sandals, garage floor. Remember that I hurt? Now, why couldn’t the can of fruit have fallen out? Nothing else in the bag fell out. Just the glass jar!!! After hobbling through my house (trying not to get sauce onto my carpet) I had to use half of my last roll of paper towels cleaning up everything. I was not a happy camper. Really, the cashier should have had a little more common sense to begin with, right??? I should have said something. I called the store and spoke with the manager. He said to come back to the store and he would fix me up with another jar of sauce and would throw in a roll of paper towels! I should have tried for some ice cream also! He was very nice, but I was, and still am, somewhat humiliated for some reason. I haven’t gone yet; I don’t want to use the gas just to drive there. I’ll probably stop by there tomorrow on my home. So that is why I was glad I had those cookies!!! Anyway, it is frustrating to always have to worry about money. So I have to do August’s budget.  I’m stalling! ha ha

I am tired. I am taking care of my parents, trying to take care of myself, and take care of my client 12 hours per week. No wonder I just want to stay plopped on the couch. I want my sisters and my brother to come and help. I know that will not happen. I don’t understand why, in this day and age, there is not a medication that can help? Who do I need to slap upside the head? I am just tired of being in pain all the time! All the time. I went on disability for major depression and was in and out of the hospital and had several suicide attempts. I won’t try that again. It is wired in my head to wish I was dead (that is normal for me, it seems) but I would never try to kill myself again. I have seen what it did to my family and I don’t want to do that again. But sometimes, this pain…all the time…I am 51 years old (almost 52)…how many more years do I have to live like this? It is strange–I never thought I would live past 40–now I am 51 and I should be thankful for these years, and I am–but to a point. If that makes sense. I am glad to be alive. Don’t get me wrong, I am. Sometimes I think I am just alone too much!

I am still in a good mood! Just confused on if there is a “plan” for me? Why am I here? That sort of thing…now I want cookies and I don’t have any left!!!!! bummer.


My Weight Loss Anniversary!

I only posted the two pictures because today, July 2nd, is my 3 year anniversary of reaching my goal weight after losing 109 pounds! People ask me all the time: what is your secret? There is no secret. It is a mindset. I ate less and exercised more. I ate what I loved, never (oh my goodness, fibro fog and I can’t think of the word!!!) stopped eating what foods that I loved (ice cream!) but I would have to exercise more. I belong to TOPS (Take Off Pounds Sensibly) and I could not have done it without them. I also used SparkPeople.com in order to enter in my food and exercise and I am now one of their success stories. In fact, on July 11th I will be interviewed to be on their internet radio station (not sure when it will start being aired). Both of these organizations were instrumental for me in my weight loss; I could never have done it on my own. I have had problems keeping it off. It is hard. Especially exercising–with my arthritis getting worse and now the fibromyalgia…I’m just having to deal with it. One of the best things that happened with my weight loss was that I became the TOPS 2010 Texas State Queen (yes, I have a tiara!) and I was able to travel around the state and talk to different chapters and rallies about my journey. I never thought I could talk in front of 200 people! Every year I get to talk at our state convention as well. I have become more sociable. I guess I have come out of my shell. I just can’t believe it has been 3 years!

I mean, seriously??

I was going to be in bed 45 minutes ago. I have not slept much the past 2 nights. I have just been in pain. I went to pain management today and there is just nothing that can be done for fibromyalgia. Really? In this day and time–there is nothing? Maybe the meds that I am on now are working somewhat, but I am not willing to go off of them for even a very short time in order to find out! So….it seems it is all up to me. How can I control it? How do I deal with the pain, which is constant? Chronic pain is horrible. It just chips away at you, slowly. There are no support groups close by. The closest is in South Austin. Seriously??? I just can’t believe it. I am going to sign up for Tai Chi classes, I think. I can’t really afford it, but if it helps even just a little bit, then it will be worth it.